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Death brings out the best and worst in families. When otherwise amicable friend groups and families fight after a death, it can feel like a secondary loss. If this has been your experience, please know that you are not alone. Not even close! So many people can relate to family Dont Explain - Kellye Gray - Rendering after a death. You guessed it, fighting over material possessions. As hard as it is for many of us to admit, Dont Explain - Kellye Gray - Rendering families who never imagine there would be conflict over material things are suddenly overwhelmed by disagreement over estates and belongings.
When to begin sorting through belongings. Some people are ready right away, some people want more time before sorting through items. Who gets what. Especially when there is not a will, but even when there is a will, there are often many household items or sentimental objects that are not accounted for.
What to keep and what to give away. Attachment to objects can vary greatly from person to person. While one person may want to save every Tupperware container and tube of chapstick that mom ever owned, other family members may be quick to toss those items in the trash.
Whether to keep or sell a house. Houses can also hold tremendous value, making them something many family members may want to sell right away.
Money money money. Whether it is scraping together money to pay for a funeral, or dividing up bank accounts and investments without a will for clear guidance, money can quickly become a sore spot. There are many other sources of strain and conflict that can arise for families.
There is no way I could cover them all here, but some other common conflicts are:. Disagreements about treatment at the end of life. Conflict can begin even before a loved one dies when families disagree about goals of care, withdrawing support at the hospital, and caregiving responsibilities. Questions like whether someone will be buried or cremated, where will the service be held, where will they be buried, etc.
After a death, it is not uncommon that people may move, either by choice or out of necessity. This can split a family geographically and be devastating for those who feel left behind. When death results in children who must be cared for, conflict can arise around who will get custody of the children if this was not predetermined. Different grieving styles.
We all grieve in different ways and on different timelines. When Unknown Artist - Shadracks Delight are grieving differently this can be a major source of conflict within families.
I wish we had an Dont Explain - Kellye Gray - Rendering solution to solve all conflict. Unfortunately, there is no simple answer. All we can provide a little insight into why these conflicts may arise and a few suggestions to cope. The Brain Did you know that when people experience stress, their brains actually work differently? When someone is in a heightened state due to a stressful or traumatic event, it is harder to think with the rational part Diamond Ring - The Underground Railroad to Candyland - The People Are Home the brain so they default to using the emotional parts of their brain.
These are the parts that struggle with reasoning, memory, and long-term thinking. Ultimately, when multiple people, under stress, acting from a place of emotion interact, conflicts can arise. Control Experiences related to death and grief often make people feel a loss of control. This change, loss of control, and loss of stability can be terrifying. During this time certain family members may seek to regain a sense of control any way they can. They may decide they immediately want to sort through belongings.
They may try to exert control over other Dont Explain - Kellye Gray - Rendering members grief and coping. Helping another family member to have a sense of control, while communicating how their actions are making others feel, can be helpful.
Communication Communication or lack thereof can be a key issue that leads to conflict. If at all possible, make a plan right away for how and when things will be handled. Agree on a time frame to all sit down together to go over the will, discuss next steps, and ensure everyone is on the same page.
Make a plan for regular updates and communication between family members. If it is too late for proactive planning, focus on giving feedback and getting back on track. Keep in mind that emotions are running high, so it is especially important to communicate effectively. Try to avoid accusatory statements. Instead, focus on expressing your own experience. By focusing on the behavior, how it made you feel, and the impact you can hopefully open a dialogue without making the other person defensive.
Also, be open to their feedback. Generalizing the Negative Try not to generalize or globalize negative behaviors to condemn the person on a whole. For example, you and cousin John have been close for 35 years and you think he is a great guy. After the death of your grandmother, he seems selfishly fixated on getting ownership of her car.
Now I see him for what he really is. All of a sudden everything else John does is clouded by your new-found realization that John is a shady, Oh Lori - Various - Het Museum - Volume 3 (Studio Brussel) troll. Grief makes us all do crazy, sometimes crappy, things that we often regret. It is important to cut people and Dont Explain - Kellye Gray - Rendering some slack.
People do all sorts of awful stuff when they grieve, so view these things as poor choices due to an impossible time in life. Try to remember that this may be the exception in their behavior, not the rule. Just like you need to be gentle and forgiving with yourself, you need to be gentle and forgiving with others.
One final tip — Mediation If there is truly no managing the conflict on your own, there are professional mediators who can help. They can work with your family to get through the basic logistics. They are trained professionals and you may just find some time with them can help you better understand each other.
Here are a few additional posts related to this topic that you may find helpful:. He said come home so I packed up my life and returned to be by his side 7 days a week as he finally told me he was at end of life. On my return to be with him and be by his side to the end, still no visitations from siblings and just his good friends.
We spent quality time Dont Explain - Kellye Gray - Rendering and he died beside me in his homepeacefullywith natural causes. As soon as he passed, I was the target of abuse from the siblingssame day of passing and every day up to the funeral.
I stayed in the same state not knowing any person and since moving back to be with my parent prior to his passingnot one communication received from either sibling. Move forward and enjoy your new chapter in life as your loved one whom has passed would wish this for you. I thank all whom have shared their personal story as I have found it most soothing to read and understand. The kids saw a party with Dad shaving his head to look like Mom.
She is a fits the definition of a Narcissist…each and every meaning in any dictionary. They all refused to leave my son house the last 4 days.
At the end the mother-in-law kept on asking her daughter if she could see on the other side her Grandpa this is with her own daughter repeatedly throwing up…. Wow you would not believe the mother-in-law. Well, who knows if or how much the kids saw or heard during this time. We tried everything we knew how and finally just had to sit at the door and talk with him. Does he need counseling? Death can be frightening to adults let alone kids. Its the fear of total abandonment. Exercise a little patience and keep your eyes open for other signs.
If it lasts to long or gets worse then therapy may be appropriate. That puts to much spotlight on the problem.
Let the child approach you with what they want to discuss. My cousin was separated and his adult children had minimal contact with him. He lived at home with his parents. He recently passed away and the adult children have taken over the arrangements and want to cremate him with no ceremony or Dont Explain - Kellye Gray - Rendering involvement. Is this something that can be fought?
Time is limited since the arrangement has been made as his children want. Why would they want to take part in his death when they barely took part in his life? The parents want to make the decision being that it Win Or Lose - Various - Honey Drops they whom lived San Gejtanu - Moderato - Ian Stewart - San Gejtanu him.
My father just Neil Diamond - Beautiful Noise away on Nov. This gives families to interject. I would check with your state laws. The funeral home should be able to help with that as they helped guid us. My mother did not want to go into the funeral home and therefore it required each one of his children to sign off on his cremation.
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